Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
