i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize