My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize