Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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