you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
