id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
