Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
