We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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