She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just gargled with NyQuil
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
