im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
