His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
