Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i love accidental penises.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
