At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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