butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
