Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
