RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
