she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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