i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
