I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I need to sanitize my soul.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
