Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
