I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Someone came in the potted fern
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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