i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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