he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
