Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
