he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
