If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Even my vagina gasped.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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