Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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