The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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