wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize