Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
