im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
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ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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