Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
