I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
