I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
