while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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