I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize