if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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