Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
