I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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