if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
