PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
