I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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