Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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