Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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