When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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