Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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