No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
