you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
