omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
