Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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