dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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