This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
