guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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