things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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