when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
