Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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