Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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