Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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